East Bay View (a blog about several things)

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Guest Blog: The Next Ex-Newlywed

Charlie Chan is currently being detained by U.S. Customs. He made the mistake of saying "I have nothing to declare but my genius", which officials believed meant that he had cloned Moe Howard. Until Mr. Chan's return, EBV will be guess-blogged by Nick Lachey.

Hi, I'm Nick Lachey. You may remember me from such songs as "Don't Stop the Love", "I Wanna Love You", "That Love That You've Been Looking For", "Fall in Love", "Could U Love" and "Can't Stop Lovin' You". Yes, I'm just a simple guy looking for Miss Right, who sadly didn't turn out to be my ex-wife Jessica. I've learned that it's not enough for a woman to be hotter than a fat Eskimo in Death Valley, she also has to be disease-free. Or at least have the same ones that I do. Anyway, I've prepared a list of candidates for potential soul-matehood.

Jessica Alba
Pro: Just exotic enough while still looking white.
Con: Might be below my intellectual level.
Hotness: 9
Exoticness: 10
Virginalness: 2
Taste in music: 6

Eva Mendes
Pro: Like J-Lo, except not from the block (but at least she hasn't been around it).
Con: I don't speak Hispanic.
Hotness: 8
Exoticness: 7
Virginalness: 7
Taste in music: 7

Britney Spears
Pro: Was a late starter...
Con: ...but is making up for lost time.
Hotness: 7
Exoticness: 6
Virginalness: 4
Taste in music: 10

Jessica Simpson
Pro: A reconciliation would help my career. They could make a movie out of it. We could play ourselves.
Con: Might be above my intellectual level.
Hotness: 10
Exoticness: 0
Virginalness: 0
Taste in music: 0

The Desperate Housewives
Pro: There are like half a dozen of them.
Con: If you believe the papers, Teri Hatcher alone brings the average above 10 partners.
Hotness: 7
Exoticness: 5
Virginalness: 1
Taste in music: 8

Tomorrow's blog topic: Paisley cords or paisley shorts?


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