East Bay View (a blog about several things)

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Sunday, January 29, 2006

New Year Chinese horoscope oraclisms!

March 5th: The last use of "I wish I could quit you" before the phrase officially jumps the shark is exercised by Jon Stewart on Oscar night. The next day President Bush uses it in an address to the Iraqi nation.

April 14th: Kobe Bryant confirms his status as Heir Jordan with an a career-high three assists versus the Spurs (who win 132-72.) He goes on to record 16 assists the next night, when the rest of the Lakers are replaced by random white girls.

June 12th: The We'll Nuke Anyone Opinion Polls Tell Us To Act is exercised for the first time, when 62% of respondents suggest that the U.S. should launch a pre-emptive strike against North Korea. In the course of the year, the legislation leads to attacks on Iran, France, Canada, France again, and the United States.

Sept. 22nd: The integrity of the publishing industry suffers a fatal blow, when a list of 353 so-called classics, including Don Quixote, War and Peace, Pride and Prejudice, and The Great Gatsby, are revealed to be largely or entirely made-up. "We called them 'novels' or 'fiction' so that those in on the scam would know they were fabricated," according to the disgraced author Milan Kundera. "Which is more than those chaps who made up the Bible did."

Dec. 31: Vince Young passes for two touchdowns and rushes for three more for the Titans against the Patriots. He thus replaces George W. Bush under the NFL Rookie Of The Year Gets To Be President Act.

Jan 14: Mahatmina Pitt-Jolie starts dating L. Ron Cruise-Holmes. The rest of us go to hell.


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