East Bay View (a blog about several things)

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

78th Annual Oscars: Montages kill twenty

Welcome to our coverage of the 78th Annual Whatsits... Way to make Jon Stewart look like a last choice... Every time they cut to Jack Nicholson for no reason, take a shot... "First time many of you have ever voted for a winner". Crowd isn't getting into the shouty bits at all. Clooney's double take gets more laughs than anyone else. Bjork/Cheney joke was really broad, but that's what you need... Gay cowboy montage was lame. "Twenty Commandments" gag was really clever but no one laughed.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Not really enthused about the nominees except Hurt, who has no chance in hell. It'll be Clooney or Giamatti. Your winner: CLOONEY~!. Not a great performance, but there's no way you can be upset at that man; god, he's hotter than Nicole. Good joke, decent moral statement. It can only go down from here.

VISUAL EFFECTS: Annual Ben Stiller being a putz moment. Narnia's non-Tilda Swinton effects weren't that great. Your winner: KONG~! Five for Richard Taylor. He doesn't even look excited anymore. Stewart drops another Jew joke.

ANIMATED FILM: Reese is sparkly. Aardman are due in this category. Your winner: Wallace and/or Gromit. Awesome bowties.

Naomi Watts's dress is missing a shoulder... Is Dolly wearing a wig? She's a greater artist than just about anyone else who's turned up tonight, but this is 1975 all over again. Oh scratch that, the Wilson brothers are coming! Wait, aren't Carl and Dennis dead? Oh, Owen and Luke. What a letdown. What a shitty Mercedes ad -- they had the fastest car in 1894, up-to-date! Oooh, cheap, cheap shot at the Baldwins.

LIVE SHORT: Your winner: Six Shooter. If Brendan Gleeson's in it it's probably good. Chicken Little! God help us.

ANIMATED SHORT: The Moon and the Sun. It's a very good short -- unceasingly inventive. You know all those shitty comics about painful relationships with parents? Well this is like a good one of those.

COSTUMES: Even Jennifer Aniston's pre-taped spiels are wooden. Time's up, girl. Your winner: Geisha. World moves on. The background music during the acceptance speeches is annoying as hell... Russell~! introduces... a biopic montage. Two minutes of a hundred million people's time are wasted. That's like killing five babies.

MAKEUP: Your winner: Chronic-what?cles, deservedly... Designated ingenue Rachel McAdams gets to kiss techies. Weird, weird dress.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: MORGAN~!!!111 He has more gravitas than anyone else even when he fucks up. I'm not sold that Weisz is a lock. Your winner: Weisz. No real objection, she's does a lot of good work over the years, if never anything great. Energy drink ad: "Women need a different kind of energy." Well, maybe the bulimic ones.

Lauren Bacall~! Unlike Morgan, her gravitas can't withstand fucking up. Oh well. Film Noir montage. Jesus, now they're just using clips from the trailers. For those of you who are counting, that's ten dead babies. Campaign ads: actually genuinely funny! Pimp: "sort of like an agent with a better hat".

DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Terry Howard looks dapper in those glasses. Your winner: A Note of Triumph, about Norman Corwin. (No seriously, who?) Clooney's facials are just great.

DOCUMENTARY: Yara thinks Charlize's shoulder-bow is horrible, . Nice clip of the Murderball haka. Your winner: Der Penguins. The Francophones make their lame gags and slip in something about the Antarctic treaty expiring in 2041. Well, that's thinking ahead.

J-Lo~! She looks cut. Song: Crash's "In the Deep" b/w burning car. It'd be funny if an Iranian guy came out of the audience and shot her. There doesn't seem to be much actual song there. Promo for "Miracle Workers": I'm dumbfounded. Sandra et Keanu. Who ever thought his post-1994 career would kill hers?

ART DIRECTION: Please not Geisha. Your winner: Geisha. Samuel L. Jackson~!? presents the liberal self-congratulation montage. Fifteen dead babies. "And none of those issues was ever a problem again." President's speech: starts with more self-congratulation. I love how when he starts talking about all the cultures around the world, and the camera cuts to Ang Lee, one of maybe four Asian people in the room. More self-congrats. Terrible speech. Had to be made, so I won't add it to the dead baby count.

SCORE: Oscar nominated actress Salma Hayek (still can't get over saying that) introduces some famously violinist to cornball up the score. Have I mentioned how much I hate film scores? The Constant Gardener is the only one that isn't insulting. Your winner: Brokeback Mountain. Well, at least that one didn't put me to sleep. Montage of epics. Wait, Mary Poppins? Maybe it's a montage of 'Scope movies. Except not all of them are in 'Scope. Maybe it's a montage of movies that could've been in 'Scope. Well at least this wasn't longer than the other montage. Twenty dead babies.

SOUND MIXING: Go Walk the Line, it's the only that isn't just people screaming. Your winner: KONG. New Zealanders march on.

Lily 'n' Meryl have Altmania, talking over each other. Takes a while for people to get the joke, but it sinks in. Big, big round of applause, and he's genuinely thankful. Plugs "Prairie Home Companion". "To me I just made one long film" -- oh, that irrepressible auteur. Still sharp, got a few sandcastles left in him yet... "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp". The foreground dancers are lame. Ms Henson gets to hold a high note.

SONG: Queen Latifah is presenting, so I presume the pimps are winning. Your winners: Three 6 Mafia. I still like "Whoop That Trick" better. "You know what? I think it just got a little easier out there for a pimp."

SOUND EDIITNG: The Wylie Stateman skit rules, even if it should've been for sound mxing. J-Gar doesn't fall over. I forgot she was pregnant. Your winner: KONG. If you want an Oscar, move to Wellington. His Clooneyness tells us to sit down, then introduces the obits. Every year there's always someone I didn't know was dead, this time it's John Mills. When did that happen?

FOREIGN FILM: How do you follow Clooney? Will Smith~! That's about as good as you can do. It'll be Tsotsi. Your winner: Tsotsi. Guy seems happy. "For those of you keeping score at home, that's Martin Scorsese zero Oscars, Three 6 Mafia one."

EDITING: Wow, Ziyi Zhang, I mean Zhang Ziyi, looks really skinny. Nice dress though. Your winner: Crash. Hackwork.

BEST ACTOR: Already? Recently boob-jobbed two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank~? correctly pronounces "Joaquin". Don't kid yourself, PSH is a lock. Your winner: Hoffman. Deserves it both for this and for his career. Loves his Mom a lot... Favourite ad so far: M&M's "Always be seen with an entourage".

CINEMATOGRAPHY: The three I've seen all have strong claims. I'm guessing Brokeback. Your winner: Geisha. So I was wrong. The Southern Hemisphere is again overrepresented tonight.

BEST ACTRESS: I was half-hoping Jamie would go into his call-and-response. I wouldn't bet against Reese, but Huffman is probably the best chance of an upset tonight. Your winner: Reese. And the world rejoices. She goes into her jes' a gal from Tennessee spiel: thanks, Grammah! Ryan P. doesn't seem overwhelmed.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Dustin is still the greater Hoffman. (What, no Jew jokes, Jon?) Is he sober this year? Hard to tell. Gardener, Violence and Brokeback are all very good, hard to pick between them on merit though we all know who's going to win. Your winner: You know. Larry finally gets his Oscar after 35 years. Doesn't have much to say, but he likes books.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Uma looks fine indeed. "The Squid and the Whale" has really grown on me since I saw it, doesn't have a chance though. Your winner: Crash. Art isn't a mirror, it's a hammer. Says you, Paul. He thanks people who work for peace, or firefighters, or something. They shut out his co-writer.

BEST DIRECTOR: Former king of Hollywood Tom Hanks presents. Ang is lock of the night. Your winner: Angly. He use the "quit you" line, which is now totally passe. He first thanks Ennis and Jack. Huh.

BEST PICTURE: Oh, so that's where Jack's been all night. Alright, I'd say it's three-to-one Brokeback over Crash. Your winner: Crash. Fuck it. I don't hate this like so many others do, but Brokeback was so much more subtle, elegant, beautiful... Cutting off the Best Picture winners mid-speech: bad, bad form.

Verdict: Stewart's monologue wasn't schticky enough but he was fine after that. Best dressed: Witherspoon. Coolest man alive: Clooney.


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