East Bay View (a blog about several things)

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Monday, October 31, 2005

Coming attractions: Sylvester Stallone

Rocky VI: Rocky Gets Schlocky

The aging Rocky Balboa is still mourning his wife while descending into deeper woes with the IRS. Needing money to pay his nursing bills, he comes out of retirement to fight women's champion Billie "The Blue Bear" (Lucia Rijker) on the "Million Dollar Battle of the Sexes" pay-per-view. Unfortunately, while entering the ring, Rocky slips on the ring steps and fractures his skull, putting him in intensive care. Despite aggresive lobbying by Clint Eastwood to put him out of his misery ("Damn it, even I managed to give up Dirty Harry at 53," Clint protests), Rocky recovers only to announce his re-re-retirement. Still short of cash, he signs a contract with Vivid to star in the erotic epic The Party at Kitty and Stud's II. Footage of this will be included in Rocky VII.

Rambo IV: Saving Private Lynch

John Rambo is angry. Angry at terrorism, angry at Jane Fonda, but mostly angry that he's lost his record for highest movie body count. Hearing of the Iraqi capture of Private Jessica Lynch (Angelina Jolie), he takes his Uzi out of the freezer and get to work. Eight hundred dead towelheads later, he must face his greatest foe... Rocky Balboa, who has renounced his Italian heritage and changed his name to Muhammad Hassan.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot II

Estelle Getty: "Jesus, Sly, you sure you don't wanna play my role?"


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